The Uncertainty

It has been a while since I have posted. I think it must be the month of January- it happened last year as well. There just isn't a whole lot going on in January. But now, we are into February. The Japanese custom of Setsubun took place on February 3rd....Setsubun has been celebrated in many ways, but perhaps the most common custom found throughout Japan is the ritual of throwing roasted beans around one's house and at temples and shrines across the country. When throwing the beans, you are supposed to shout "Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!" ("Devils out, happiness in"). Afterwards you should pick up and eat the number of beans, which corresponds to your age. These days, of course, it is not uncommon to see children dressed in masks of oni, others madly throwing beans, and all gleefully shouting for evil to hit the road. Prominent temples in Japan may also find monks or celebrities showering large crowds of people with mame to ward off spirits and welcome the renewal of the coming New Year.

So, now with Spring not far away, our time in Japan is supposedly coming to an end. The only problem is that we have no idea where life will lead us next. There is an excitement with not knowing, but there is also an unsettled feeling. Where will we be? Where will we live? When will we go? We have been in a major decision making mode since Fall of last year. When we moved to Japan we had thought this would be our last tour in the submarine force, and Brian would make the switch to the civilian work force after our time here. Unfortunately, we all know about our economy, so it has been a huge factor when we think about our future. With 13 years in the Navy by the time May comes around, we would have 7 to go until retirement. When you think about it that way, it seems like a no brainer. Stay in...get the retirement and health care, and move on after that. Well, after a grueling Enginner tour in Virginia, we began to think maybe this life isn't for us. Maybe it is just too taxing on all of us. Maybe we would be better if we lived the "normal" life that many of our friends and families live. But what is normal? Is normal walking into work and finding out there is not a job for you anymore? Is normal being transferred overseas with a company for a few years? Is normal working on weekends and working 12 hour days? Is normal when your company lays off hundreds of employees? Is life outside of the military really "normal". I am not so sure these days.

When I think about our time in the Navy, the one word that comes to my mind is ROLLERCOASTER. It truly has been a life of ups and downs, twists and turns, and being scared and uncertain, just as you are when you are slowly climbing the hill of a coaster before reaching the top dropping quickly. But, when I think about just ending it all in a few months and leaving it all behind, I am even more scared and uncertain. I like my life. I like how it has shaped me as a person. I like being able to set up a new home every few years. I absolutely love the people I have met with each move. And the places....wow, the places. From Seattle, to Connecticut, to Norfolk, to Japan. We have done so much everywhere we have been, and it has truly been an experience that I would never change. Let's not forget the free health care, and the fact that I have had three surgerys in the last 8 years, none of which I have ever seen even one bill for medical expenses. Of course, with the ups, there are downs. It is never easy to say goodbye to our friends and families when we move. Somehow though, each move we make brings us new friends, and I have never been to a place where I haven't left a little piece of my heart with dear friends. It also never gets any easier watching Brian pull away in his submarine to leave us for 6 months. I thought maybe with age and experience, that would get easier. But, unfortunately, if this is the route we continue, it will always be one of the hardest things the boys and I will ever do.

It is now February 5th, 2009, and in one month and three days, we will have been in Japan for exactly two years. I never in a million years would have thought that when our time was getting short here that I would feel sad, but you know what, I do. I feel a connection with this place that I have called home for nearly two years. It may be on the other side of the world from where "Home" really is, but we have embraced this culutre, its people, and its history. We have friends that have become like family because we are all so far from ours. We also now know that TRAVEL is a huge priority for our family. There is too much of this world to be seen. Although we have been to some amazing places, there are so many more to discover.

In the next few months, maybe our uncertainty will become more certain. Maybe time will tell just what we are "suppose" to do. I know we will choose the right thing because somehow, life always works out. Things will fall into place, just as they did two years ago when we got these unexpected orders to Japan.